I have given so many promises to write more frequently. But the god(ess) of inspiration or motivation still seems to avoid me. Maybe it’s just about personal discipline!? I have considered giving myself a task to write once per week, starting from… tomorrow… or next Monday… or some other convenient date that is very much in the future. But it is so easy to break the promises that you have made for yourself. And although it is easy to find the excuses to do that, it still makes you feel like a failure. Maybe I should give a promise instead to treat myself more gently? Feeling like a failure does not enhance creativity or inspiration.
This moment in my life is quite controversial. As I love to tell anybody, who asks – my personal life is flourishing and professional life is non-existent. I don’t even know whether this could be considered a failure to achieve balance in my life or is this just a normal temporary phase between different stages of life. If the latter, then I would really like to know how long this temporary thing can last? In Estonia we say often that there is nothing more permanent than temporary solutions. I really hope that this is not the case with me.
In the end of the summer season I was really hoping that my writing job will pick up again. This did not happen. And while waiting, I guess I did not put enough effort into finding other alternatives. Last month I had a very clear revelation – while hanging upside down on a yoga mat, it hit me with a brutal clarity. When it comes to finances, I am totally screwed. There is no way, my life as it is now, could be sustainable. And that is the reality despite the fact that a lot of wonderful things, that I was wishing to happen, have come to my life without extra cost.
I seem to be really good at manifesting into my life the people, things and activities that I need, except the tool called money.
That of course calls for a very thorough investigation of my thoughts and actions. What have I done or not done, to find myself in this position? As I believe that all our life is a manifestation of our thought patterns, I need to find and change the ones that hold me back. And of course – find and cherish the thought patterns that have served me so well by bringing into my life a wonderful partner, amazing friends and great kids!
I have been waiting for the right circumstances and moments to click, so things in my life would make sense. So far it has been mostly a mess with a title – what do I want to be and do, when I grow up? I can not work just for the sake of it. I need to do the things that truly make me happy. Then I will be like a force of nature – unstoppable and unavoidable. And when you do the things that make you happy, abundance will follow naturally. So. Follow your bliss!
But what exactly is my bliss?
I asked that question one evening a few months ago. I really gave a good thought into what fills me with joy, inspiration and all kinds of other warm and fuzzy feelings. The answer came quite easily – dance and gardening! These are the two things that save my rainy day and make the sunny day even better. So after finding that answer I spent a blissful evening of window-shopping at an online shop for new dance-sneakers, because once you find your way, universe will respond by showing the way how to achieve it. And guess what happened the next day?!
No, the sneakers did not magically appear behind my door. Quite the opposite actually. I had a sudden onset of idiopathic (for no apparent reason) and acute knee inflammation! What the hell was that? Hello universe, this was NOT the answer I was looking for! Try again please!
For two weeks I was avoiding stairs and applying all kinds of natural treatments that I could think of. Fortunately the inflammation disappeared just as mystically as it appeared. But it still leaves me with a question – WHAT am I supposed to think of that? Dance is not the way for me? It is, if I persist and overcome obstacles? What? Universe can be extremely confusing sometimes.
Quite recently I had a much better and clearer insight into the possible reasons that have brought me to this point in life, where in early thirties I have no profession or income to speak of. If goes back to the same word, that I constantly bump into – gratitude!
My closer and extended family, who taught me the values in life, is not really very good at this gratitude thing. There was always something lacking. And in a very real sense – there WAS a constant lack. My mother raised me as a single mother with only symbolic financial and zero practical support from my father. Life was a constant struggle to make ends meet. And this struggle was constantly accompanied by non-said but mentally very loud complaining. My mother, grandmother, aunts, uncles, nieces and nephews spend too much time focusing on how unfair, difficult and cruel the world is. There might be occasional moments of not complaining. But the majority of time is spent on cursing the unfair and egoistic people around them and the lack of luck and prosperity in their life. Of course I have very successfully learned to focus on the lack in my life, instead of how rich I am. Only recently I am learning to turn this around with the help of my Greek man.
The reality is, that I have so much to be grateful for. I still have to remind myself that every single day. Changing the mindset and mentality is a slow process and seeing the results of this change is way too slow! But with some persistence and patience it will happen. Getting rich is not about getting more. It is about loving and appreciating what you already have.
Now, where can I find that patience? Anyone? Ideas?