It’s been a long time without much writing of any kind. More doing and less talking.
These summer months have flown by like a dream. There were moments, when this dream resembled a nightmare and other moments when I felt so blissful that if it really was a dream, I never wanted to wake up. The biggest change is that my home is no longer the beautiful and utterly crazy Greek island. I chose to move back to Estonia – back to my roots.
Like always, these pivotal moments in life make you look back for a moment. So here it is.
During the last six years:
10 places to call “home”
2 new languages
countless foster kittens and so many new amazing friends that I lost track
How did I do it? Honestly – I still have no idea.
I have yet to understand what is the difference between courage and crazyness (if there is any). I don’t feel especially courageous, slightly crazy – yes.
It takes a whole lot of crazy to pack your whole life, including two kids (a toddler and a baby) into one car, drive “as far South as South Europe goes” and keep on following the chances in life that throw you around like a small rowboat in the storm. Today the toddler has grown into a beautiful young trilingual lady and the baby into a very confident trilingual first-grader.
I have divorced, finding that an ex-husband is even better friend than a husband was.
I have fallen completely head-over-heels with a man, who makes me happier, than I have ever been.
I have fallen in and out of love with Greece over and over again every day. That place is still magic.
The “crazy”, I can relate with. The “courageous” not so much because that word for me means “fearless” and I am very far from being fearless. I am afraid all the time. Afraid of failure, of not being enough, of making mistakes. And yet I keep on going. Stubbornly, like a goat, I keep on climbing the rocks in search of.. in search of what? When you move around so much, sometimes you lose sight of what you were looking for in the first place. Maybe that’s one of the reasons why I felt, that it’s time to return home. It’s time to take “time out” from the constant moving. It’s time to grow some roots, make a nest and recuperate. Traveling loses its charm, when you do it constantly. I’m fed up with airports, ferries, suitcases, long-distance driving and Skype conversations with the nearest and dearest.
Sometimes we travel to get somewhere and other times we travel to get away from something. Whether it’s one or the other – it’s good to know why you are doing this. Sometimes you only know the answer in retrospect. There is no right or wrong reason to travel and there’s no clear “black or white” answer but it’s important to be conscious of the reasons, why you left the safety net.
I used to think for a long time that I left towards something, not away from something. Now I think, it was a bit of both. I always longed for these experiences of living in another country. But I was also running away from some things that I could not deal with. What I learned along the way is that everything always starts and ends with yourself and you can’t run from yourself. Running away from something never works because the reasons why you resisted and created a problem, will always follow you and create new situations like that, until you realize that other people and situations never change – you have to do that! You have to stop resisting and learn to flow. You have to always question your knowledge, your feelings and your motivations. To keep on learning and growing each and every day, welcoming every challenge as another chance to become a bit better version of yourself.
My most recent favorite quote is “Everything has the meaning that we give to it”. Everything is a choice, including what matters and what not. Acknowledging that I choose, what meaning I give to events and circumstances, gives me a strong sense of freedom and being grounded at the same time. What ever happens, I choose how I see it and what it means to me. I choose to see how I am supported and loved.
So being scared is ok. Being crazy is ok. Being courageous is ok. Not being any of those is still ok. We flow like water in a stream. Have you ever seen water drops banging their head against the rock, trying in vain to remove it? Neither should we. Like Dory in “Finding Nemo” we “Just keep swimming, just keep swimming, just keep swimming swimming swimming…“