Stamps and signatures

In my quest for a job and a home I have yet again seen another angle to life in Greece. The dreaded Bureaucracy!

Greek bureaucracy is legendary. Everything requires some paper that has stamps and signatures. To get that paper, you need to get three other papers and prove that nobody from your family up to your great grandfather was NOT a camel. Or a cockroach. Nobody is completely informed of the whole process of getting the required paper. I know people whose papers are stuck in the circulation of that huge machinery for years and years without much outcome. It is like a black hole of paperwork. It sucks in all the paper, ink, stamps, signatures and usually gives back nothing. But every now and then on a rare case it spits out A Very Important Paper, signed and stamped. And you know that David’s win against Goliath was probably inspired by Greek bureaucracy.

 

The procedure goes something like this:
Which office should you visit first? Go to that one. Oh, why are you here without this paper? Go to THAT one first and get the other paper and then proceed there to obtain that proof. Then make a copy of those three papers.
What do you mean you do not have an address? (followed by a long conversation in Greek with a colleague and a few supervisors)
Sign here. And here. And on every page here… and to those twenty pages there.
What am I signing? – Oh I don’t know. Would you like to sit down and read all of it? –  No I think I’ll pass.
I feel like a celebrity giving lots and lots of autographs. And just when the signing is done and you think that this paper with that important number is almost in your hand, oops – we have problems with internet! Could you come back tomorrow?!

Every office is open from 9 to 13. In between those hours there might be some coffee breaks and cigarette breaks. But then again, coffee does not obstruct working so every single table that I have seen in various offices and even the bank, has one or few frappe cups on it. Towering dangerously over the computer keyboard. There are mountains and piles of different folders that look like something from the eighties but have markings from this century. The waiting area for the office has not seen renovations since mid-nineties. The chair that you are trying to sit on had it’s best years some time 30 years ago. The faux-leather covering it is smiling dreamily in every corner but be aware, when you sit on it – what you see as a smile, is actually biting.

In all honesty, I can not complain so far. It has been an interesting insight into the Greek world. And I have a powerful secret weapon with me that opens all doors and makes people smile. No, it’s not a briefcase with huge amounts of money. It’s something even better – two little blond Estonian girls! I have not yet seen a Greek bureaucrat who can resist that. As soon as they see the girls, they smile and melt and suddenly all the stamps and signatures are in the right places and the fact that I don’t have a permanent address is the most insignificant little detail in the world. And off I go, skipping happily to the next office to repeat the procedure of signing and smiling.

Mirrors and reflections

It feels forever, since I last wrote anything. I’m surprised to find that it has only been a little less than two months. These weeks have been so full of everything, that it feels like a few years have passed since that time in Warsaw. I have experienced every emotion that is humanly possible, from the delight, tears of gratitude and complete freedom to anger, sadness and even a complete emotional breakdown. Observing myself as if I was looking from above, it seems unreal that so many experiences can happen in such a short period of time.

Returning from Warsaw I knew that these will be my last weeks in Santorini. Yes, I decided to move. But not too far, just another star in the constellation that is the Cyclades – Paros. Those two little satellites next to me, have so much more opportunities for making friends, starting school, taking dance and art and what ever classes they want in Paros. And me too.

Leaving Santorini was bittersweet in many ways. I have grown attached to that place that is rocky and harsh but also has so much breathtaking beauty. And the man that brought so much light and love to my life, has to stay there. It will be a temporary separation, but it does not make it easier. Every time I had to let go of him through this winter, travelling around, it was harder and harder. Letting go without knowing, when I can feel his arms around me again is one of the hardest things that I had to do.  He will always be there for me and I will go back when ever I can. In the longer perspective I feel, that Paros will be a better place for all of us.

Distance in a relationship can be a good thing. You have to accept it, learn to relate in a different manner and have complete trust and acceptance for the other. Sometimes we may not speak for days. We both believe that we only need to communicate, when we have something to give and share. Being on my own gives me time to reflect and really dive into the gratitude for the time that we spent together. Savour every detail but not with longing and sadness, rather joy and love. Look around each day thinking, what would I like to offer? What piece of information is so valuable that I want to share. How I can make the best of the limited means and time of communication over phone, e-mail and skype? Sometimes, when you spend every day together with somebody, it is easy to forget how special they are. And it is so easy to start expecting instead of giving. Long-distance relationship can teach so much, if you take it as a learning opportunity, not a burden. It teaches letting go, trusting, appreciating what you have and so much more.

 

Being in Paros has been a very colourful experience so far. I have been living in the middle of a chaos of things, thoughts, ideas and emotions. Literally and metaphorically. The thing with chaotic places and people is that all the good in that is often hidden under piles of history and stuff. And even if it appears for a while, soon another gust of wind will bring more issues and suddenly you realize that you are lost in all that.

Losing yourself is a scary experience. I went through it just the beginning of this week, being accused of things that I did not feel that I had done. But when you think you are not a pig and then somebody throws enough mud at you, it is easy to lose balance and start doubting everything in life. What if everything that I have tried to be and think and achieve is just an illusion? Maybe the strive for being honest and fair with myself and people around me has been just an illusion? If everything you thought about yourself suddenly seems invalid and wrong, how do you know what is overall the truth? How do you find yourself again, when the carpet has been pulled from under your feet and you land neck-deep in the swamp of fear and despair?

It is a true blessing that I have so many wonderful souls surrounding me who are there for me unconditionally, when I most need them. My dear Greek man who patiently spent almost two hours listening and comforting me, giving me good honest feedback and helping me through the hardest moments. Some amazing friends, including my ex-husband, who just gave me such encouragement whether knowing what I go through or not knowing and still sending me love and support.

People around us are like mirrors. They reflect back our strengths and weaknesses. The thing with mirrors is that all of them are a bit crooked one way or another. Some more than others. While some mirrors show you better,  some other may show you through the cracks and stains that their own life has left there. And when you stare too long into a mirror that shows you in a contorted way, you may start believing that image. But then how do you know, which mirrors are clear and which have not been cleaned a long time? You just have to look into many different mirrors. None of us is perfect and we never reflect back a perfect image to the other. But the more different mirrors you see, the more you start seeing similarities in those images. Take the good feedback, accept the faults and try to avoid mirrors that have been so damaged by life that the image you see does not bear any resemblance to the real you.

 

Today I find myself in a the most uncertain situation, that I have been in Greece or even in my life.
I just recently lost my job as an editor and a journalist, because the newsportal that I was writing for, is in financial difficulties and has for the moment stopped all work.
We were kicked out of the house, where we were renting a small apartment because among all that chaos in that place, normal communication was lost. And the owner decided that it is easier to give us a few hours notice than wait a few days until we find the way to talk.

It is not easy. But looking at the mirror I see how many times in my life I have done the same – instead of solving a problem I say that it is too hard and refuse to deal with it. I have never had the power and the means to give somebody a home and then make them homeless with the next move. At my position I think, I probably would not do that. But how well do I really know? Power changes people. If you have a lot to offer then you also have a lot to take a away and that gives you power to manipulate with peoples lives and take advantage of their weaknesses. I hope and pray that this lesson teaches me to be unconditionally loving and kind to people. The bitterness from the situation will fade over time and will be replaced with forgiveness. I want to remember this day for the rest of my life with gratitude – that was the day when I learned that no problem will go away when you try to run and hide from it. And that was the day when I promised to myself that I will never abuse any power that I might have over people close to me. There is always a solution. Many different solutions actually. You can never force your solution on the other – that makes them run or resist. Cooperation is something that needs constant work.

So. Jobless and homeless. Yes. Hopeless? Never!
There is so much to be grateful for and to look forward to. A good friend offered me a guest room to stay until I find my new home. It is the beginning of the summer season in Greece, so there is a good chance, I will find a job for the summer. Looking out of the window I see the Mediterranean and Naxos. And I breathe in and out gratitude for life. I am still here. I am able and willing. I have two beautiful kids, a loving man, incredible kind and honest friends and wise teachers. What else could you ask from life?

From Warsaw with love

This whole winter has been about travelling. Travelling in time, space and in the depths of my head and my heart. And continuing that trend, I write again from a new location. This time I am back in Warsaw. The 2 million city with skyscrapers, soviet blocks and big parks.

We came here for a short visit, so that the girls could spend some time with their father. I decided, that I have earned a vacation from my dear kids and I am spending my days in blissful solitude at a friends place.

I can’t remember many times during the last 8 years, when I have had the privilege to be completely alone. Just me, my thoughts, my needs. From morning until evening. It is simply fantastic!

I wake up quite early, when my friend leaves for work. But I don’t really get out of bed before 10-11. I read, watch a movie, sleep a little more, do some crochet.. what ever I feel like. I only drag myself out of the bed, to get a cup of warm water with lemon and honey. No need for breakfast – not hungry yet.. When I am ready to get up, I take a hot shower, get dressed, eat something light and get writing. There is no-one talking to me! Just silence. I have never heard anything more beautiful! Nobody wants, asks, begs or demands anything from me. I can concentrate on writing and reading until my own needs make me get up and take care of myself.

Usually I would wake up because I hear the kids arguing over something. Or worse – I hear ominous silence, which means that they are up to something! So I get up, start cleaning the kitchen AGAIN, the rest of the house AGAIN, then try to quickly get breakfast ready because hungry kids are bickering and eating my braincells. And by noon I remember that I was planning to take a shower and I really have not eaten yet and there was something else, but…. I can’t really remember, because the constant stream of talking, asking and sharing, that the kids do, just takes my focus off anything else. Being a mother is a 24/7 attempt to multitask and by now the neuroscientists have proven, that human brain is not meant to multitask. So you operate very near the limit of your capabilities. The only reason, most mothers do not end up in a mental institution, is that as much as the kids take from you – they give more back, if you open your eyes and your heart to receive it.

But if you want to create something, you have to have the privilege of your own time and space where you can relax and concentrate.

Being back in Warsaw feel surreal in so many ways. This city used to be my home for two years. But I was never completely home here. Something was missing – a certain combination of freedom and being grounded that I have found in Greece. Warsaw does not really talk my language. And I do not mean the crazy sczcyprzc that is the Polish language. Because I still speak better Polish than Greek. I mean the vibe and the feeling of this city – it just does not talk to me.

Warsaw is a very goal and career oriented city. People come here from all over Poland to work, achieve success, earn good money and climb on the career and social ladder. They are hard-working, fast-talking and tough. They work hard and party hard. They live their lives in big anonymous blocks of flats – some grey, some colourful, but all of them have very little personality and a lot of sharp corners. I don’t mean that Warsaw is just concrete and greyness, it has a softer side too. It has so many parks and a lot of dogs walking their owners there. It has a lively cultural scene, many child friendly cafeterias and wonderful playgrounds. A lot of people really love and enjoy living here. But all of it just does not resonate – me and Warsaw, we have a different frequency.

I guess a big part of that is the fact that in the widely known norms of the Western society, I am pretty much the picture of a loser!
At 31 years I am a divorced mother of two without any career, full time “real” job and without a serious intention of getting a career any time soon. Even my university degree was short of a final thesis that I never managed to submit. I am still financially struggling and I depend solely on my ex-husbands support. I have no stable home, not a lot of belongings and no sturdy plan for the future. Sounds pretty pathetic, if you put it that way, right?

I have met a few girls here in Warsaw, who are quite the opposite. Good education is followed by a successful career and a good salary. They travel to exotic corners of the world, sip coctails at fancy lounges, shop for designer clothes and pamper themselves in spas and beauty salons. They are beautiful, confident and smart women who have a plan and the means to execute it.

But for some reason I have not yet seen them happy. They are always longing for something. A good relationship, settling down and having a family. Often they are on anti-anxiety pills, and almost suffocated by their own perfectionism.

We all have been raised up in a certain social and moral fabric. Study, get a job, have a career, have a family – do all this and you will be happy. But what if that does not work for everyone? I am sure that there are many, who are content with this life. But how about those girls (or boys) who do all that and are deeply unhappy? They are too far from their real self – that jewel that is their core being. And they are afraid to take a leap of faith and take some time off to find their real calling. Because time keeps on ticking ruthlessly and the family’s and society’s expectations hold them in handcuffs. They care too much what others think or say, even if that “other” is their own ego.

But  getting closer to your true self must sometimes mean ripping this fabric. The force of habit does apply to our beliefs too. If you have been attached to a certain kind of belief system and a set of moral values, then it takes time before you can be completely free from those norms and get closer to real life. But if you do not try to jump and trust that life will always be there to catch you, nothing will ever change.

It is our birthright to be unconditionally happy. And we have to keep on trying to find, what helps us to achieve it. If it means flipping burgers in a fast-food restaurant but making it on time to yoga class then that’s what it has to be. It is never too late to change. And there is absolutely no point in comparing your choices in life to other people’s choices. There are no “good” and “bad”, “wrong” or “right” choices. There are moments, emotions, feelings, reactions and actions that have to serve the purpose of enhancing our human experience and just making us happy.

A Greek man is always right!

There is a lot of cliches about the Greeks. A lot of them are completely exaggerated and some of them even completely untrue.
But where’s smoke there’s usually fire. And some of those cliches are true.

Like this one: Greek man is always right. If you think differently, you are mistaken. Always.

I read about this cliche and thought “Thank god, this is not really true!” But the more I think about it, I see that in most cases Greek men seem to think there are two ways – their way and the wrong way.

And my current favourite blogger Ekaterina Botziou has written a very precise addition to this: “A Greek man can AND WILL make a mountain out of the tiniest molehill”.

Just a little while ago I had a short conversation with one of my neighbours. He asked me (in Greek) if I have a dog. Well it is pretty obvious – my dog was standing next to me on my roof. Then the old man asks, why I do not clean my dogshit from his yard?
Excuse me? (Just this little insignificant detail – his courtyard is behind a locked gate…)
So I explain that there is no way my dog could go and leave her excrements into his courtyard, because she never goes there. Ever!
The guy keeps on waving with a broom and a small shovel, making it very clear that he does not understand why I do not clean up my dog’s poop from his yard.
I shrug my shoulders and try to make very clear that my dog does not jump a two-meter wall down and up just to shit in his yard. She really never goes there! Really!
The grandpa continues to mimic that if he ever sees my dog in his yard, he will kill her.
I shrug my shoulders again and start laughing because I really do not see this happening. The only time my dog ever gets out of the yard, she is accompanied by me.
My laughing of course pushes grandpa over the edge. He throws the dogshit, found in his courtyard on my roof and keeps on muttering angrily. I leave the scene… there is nothing else to say. There is his opinion and the wrong opinion!

And if I think back, I have seen it happening in a more moderate form so many times. I just never paid any attention to this. Greek men can sometimes be incredibly frustratingly arrogant and stubborn, trying to make you see, that their way is the best way. My own dear Greek man included. And though I must more than often agree, his opinion is well thought through and really makes sense, there are those rare moments when his perseverance in trying to convince me is simply unbearable. Just STFU and let me be myself!
Fortunately he also has a way to win me back after being a complete jerk…

But I still wish he would learn the art of “how to stop talking”. Because I too am stubborn. And I refuse to out-talk him. I value my mental health too much for that.

Maybe I should just follow Ekaterinas advice and leave the room, when ever a Greek man tries to prove that he is right? Just walk out. Would that work?

Belonging here, there and nowhere

I am back on my quiet and peaceful island. A few weeks actually already. But I am still working with those thoughts and ideas that came to me during my trip to the North Pole… ok not quite that far. But it sure felt like that when you have a 30 degrees temperature difference.

On the other hand -15C, fresh snow and sunshine is a gorgeous combination. Too bad that I could not take too many photos, because after 5 minutes without gloves I couldn’t feel my fingers anymore. But I really did enjoy looking at this winter beauty. From a window. In a warm place.

Three weeks in Estonia passed so fast but were so wonderful! I managed to meet (almost) everybody that I really wanted to see despite the fact that I took the first week off from social duties. After my grandmothers funeral I did not immediately feel like partying.

Pretty soon my good friends somehow found out that I was there though I only told a few people about my arrival. And going out for a hot chocolate with my best girls in my favourite cafeteria in Tallinn old town – this is pure bliss! The warm hugs, laughter, joking and poking, some more serious topics, wondering into existentialistic questions and spirituality and then coming back to Earth and discussing if coffee enema really works or is it just a joke? The morning tea and evening wine with my favourite neighbour and the constant flow of neighbour’s kids in our apartment…

My time was so much filled with lightness and life that it makes me really amazed how death can sometimes bring people together in such a wonderful way. Like a good friend said – maybe this was the last gift from my beloved grandmother. To have this time with my family and friends. Everybody made me feel so welcome and my dad never stopped telling that it is about time to come back for good.

This time leaving felt a lot different that in September. It did not feel like running away from my problems. I absolutely love to be there. but I have made a conscious decision between two equally great options. I wanted to come back to Greece. For some reason I still feel that I belong here somehow.

I belong here, there and nowhere.
Living away from Estonia, I have always tried to find a way to fit it. To be a part of that society, where I live. But the truth is – if you are not born there, you will probably never completely fit in. And that may be very good!

I learned from my recent trip that I do not belong there either. I have changed and somehow I am in between. I keep pieces of my Estonian identity but I enhance it all the time according to what I experience. It’s kind of like cooking – you take the recipe as the base and inspiration but then you start incorporating your own ideas and tastes into it and the result will never be exactly the same as the one, written in the book. That is what I am. A mix of what I inherited from my parents and upbringing with influences of big-city life from Warsaw and a smell of Greek herbs and sunshine. And that way I will never really fit in anywhere.

Sometimes I feel like a dolphin among dogs.
Imagine, if you put two dogs in the same room. Sooner or later they may start bickering or even fighting. But if you put a dog and a dolphin into the same space, they will not even have a chance to get into a conflict. Sure, they may try to communicate, but they will always speak a different language. So being a dolphin among dogs means, that you will never be completely “in” – you will always be a little weird, exotic, baffling and maybe even scary. But you will not have to comply with society’s expectations – you are strange anyway, so strange behaviour becomes the norm. That way you will have the freedom to find your own way of life. As long as you accept and respect other people’s way of life, they will let you be weird and don’t feel threatened by your difference.

I guess that is one thing that has always been attracting me to this life of an expat. Away from the expectations, pressure to comply and strong emotional attachments that sometimes hold you back, you can find out who you really are. Maybe I am not yet strong enough to do that within and among those expectations. Or maybe I am strong enough to have the courage to walk away and explore life on my own terms. Whatever the reason – I like my life like that!

Homeschooling or playing school at home

When my older daughter was born, I remember saying that the worst imaginable thing to happen would be to stay at home too long. I was pretty sure that staying at home for the first three years with her is very much necessary. But imagine the horror if after that I had another baby and I would stay at home for 6 years?! Well guess what – that’s exactly what happened! Not only did I stay home for 6 years, 7 full years of housewife life passed before I finally had a chance to have a job again. And truthfully I have to admit, that it wasn’t so terrible at all.

I guess I thought it would be boring. But I never had time to be bored. Learn, read, study. Breastfeeding, homeopathy, babywearing, co-sleeping, healthy eating. I found myself sucked in a vortex of natural parenting and I never had time to think that maybe I should get a job. I didn’t have time to get a job! First I learned myself and then I started teaching others. I became a master at tying the baby to me with a 4,7m carrysling and all other shorter versions of it. I spent happy Sundays with endless metres of cloth piled around me, telling other mothers about the fascinating world of babywearing.

The next thing that I thought unimaginable, was homeschooling. Staying at home with a baby and a toddler – why not. But school? Nope! Definitely not my thing. I want my kid to have better teachers than me. Teachers who actually have patience and skills to teach.

But life seems to have a nasty habit of making me eat my words. I have to be more careful about what I promise NOT to do. Because I will most probably end up doing just that. And I will possibly find out that the thing I was most afraid of, is not scary at all.

Homeschooling so far has proved to be a little easier than I thought. There are still some things that I struggle with but so far, so good.

The main thing is patience! There are a few things that my daughter can do, that exceed my bullshit tolerance limit immediately. Stupid questions are OK. Asking the same thing for the 100th time is fine. Not being able to handle a task is natural. But the first hint of laziness and not trying may transform me from a kind and patient teacher to a raging monster. I can’t stand it, when I see that she is not concentrating and not trying.

And I know really well that there is nothing wrong with her – the problem is in my own head. Maybe something from my own childhood. Maybe something that is in my personality. Whatever it is, I have to deal with it. Find the reason, work it out, learn to tolerate. We are all sometimes lazy and we don’t give our 100% every time so there is no way I could expect this from a 7-yr old.

I also still have some de-schooling to do.

Homeschooling is not playing school at home. It is more than that and less than that.

More, because you start thinking out ways how to make every situation a learning experience. Going to the market is math and the basics of economy. If Santorini was a country, what would it export and what would it import? Go take enough bananas that each of us can have two.

Going for a walk is biology. The different plants, their leaves, trunks, branches. From the fruit and seeds to world’s climate zones. And when we get to that, we can continue with geography.

In many subjects I am going past what is taught for her age in regular school.

Homeschooling is less than school because we spend less time sitting behind the table. Sometimes I start to worry and even panic. What if she will be left behind? Maybe we don’t do enough exercises? Reading-writing? I still try to hold on to the school curriculum and I stress us both out with it. That’s where de-schooling has to happen. It is a concept that I recently read about: http://unschoolery.com/de-schooling
It means that when you start homeschooling, it will take some time before you can step out of the regular school mindset. It is advisable to take a complete break from studying. For a while – weeks, months – just do nothing. And then you will start to see another way of learning. Without time limit, curriculum and compulsiveness. For me a very good parallel was the idea that when as adults we want to learn something, generally we do not make a race out of it. We learn and take the time we need. Only if the time limit is imposed from outside influences, we may learn on schedule. So why should kids do that?

Ok, maybe they want to get into the university one day? Well, if they really want it, they will learn what they need. On their own terms. And that way it will be fast and effortless.

So letting go of the school/factory mindset still needs some work. And patience. But after 4,5 months I can say that homeschooling is a pretty cool option. It gives us the freedom to travel and the freedom to think.

Giving value to our needs

We are traveling again.

We are going to Estonia to attend my grandmother’s funeral. The situation is full of paradoxes.
I am happy to see my family and friends again, but I am so sad about the circumstances that bring me back. I am excited to travel again but I also wanted to stay and enjoy the peace and quiet of our home on the island. We just barely got back there! It feels like we got off this ferry just a few days ago and now we are sailing again. And just when the weather got so good! We are going from +18 to -17.

These days I found out something new about myself. Truthfully, I have been somewhat aware of that before, but somehow I saw it more clearly.

When life gets tough and situation is demanding, I have this instinct that I bottle up all feelings and focus on what I need to DO. Don’t waste time on fear, sadness or anger. Just keep on doing something. Sometimes it is helpful – I don’t lose my head in a crisis. But other times it is just simply unhealthy.

The first day I heard about my grandmother’s death, I felt surprised for a moment but before sadness could kick in, I shut myself down. So I asked my father how is he doing and what’s next? What shall we do? I spent the day taking phone calls, searching for plane tickets and trying to hide from the world and especially myself, that this event has touched me emotionally.

Cracks started to slowly show a day or two later. I found myself being very vulnerable and crying over random things. Only then I realized that this is grief. And I need to let it out.

Some time ago I listened to this young poet, who talked about how women are taught through life to contract and men are taught to expand. I remembered this wonderful passionate speech again, when observing myself hiding my feelings again.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zQucWXWXp3k

How many women are taught to be polite, care for others, set aside their own needs and wants until it becomes their inner nature. We are caretakers, but we neglect ourselves way too often. We take care of everybody else in the world. We try to be invisible and not bother anybody. When other people need us, we abandon whatever we were in the middle of, and rush. Especially well we learn this with having children – the babies’ needs ALWAYS come first.
You need to eat? Pee? Take a shower? Well, forget about it! You are the last person on the list, whose needs will be met, because the baby needs new diapers, the toddler needs answers to some incredibly important and urgent questions and the husband needs food after a long and exhausting day at work.

And we get used to this. We forget what we need. Even when the kids grow up and need us less and less for everyday simple tasks, we still have hard time taking care of our own needs. Sometimes life will remind us in a cruel way that if you do not take care of yourself, nobody will! Other times if we are lucky, we notice the way before we end up in a swamp of self-pity and bitterness. We learn that constant giving will drain us empty and if we still keep on giving, even though we have nothing more to give – it means nothing! We cannot give, what we don’t have. First take care of yourself and then when you feel happy, you have something to give, something to share.

But even if we do realize that me matter, we might need a constant reminder for quite a while.
I read a very inspiring story about that reminder and I want to share it with you.

http://www.nytimes.com/2014/01/12/fashion/A-Third-Ring-Bearing-the-Most-Important-Truth-modern-love.html?_r=0

May we all have this third engagement ring to remind ourselves that we matter!

 

May she rest in peace!

Today I got a phone call from my father. As soon as I picked up, my heart new – this is not good news. And the heart always knows right.

My dear grandmother passed away at a young age of 76. She remained vibrant and positive until the very end. She was diagnosed with a late stage lung cancer in December. But when I called her to hear, how she is – she spent most of the time consoling and encouraging me. She told me, that she has had a wonderful life, she is happy, content and ready to go. She did not talk much of her problems or difficulties. Instead, she kept telling me not to worry and keep on living my life.

She was my last living grandparent and I have always heard since childhood, that I was a lot like her. She loved me very much and supported me in so many ways. I lived in her house from the age of 15 to 18, during highscool and she always treated me like a responsible adult. Which of course I wasn’t yet back then, but her attitude helped me grow a lot. I last saw her in August 2013, a little before leaving Estonia and coming to Greece. Out of my family, she was one of the few who openly encouraged me to follow my heart and make my dreams come true. We talked for many hours about her beloved garden and plants, about my life and the decisions I had taken. I never thought, this was the last time to see her.

I do not want to spent time being sad, that I will never see her again. Instead I want to celebrate her life and be grateful for all that she has given me. She had a good life. The best I can do to honour her, is to take what she taught me and keep on carrying that message. Different people may view somebody’s life in a different way. She may have sometimes been bossy, controlling and stubborn. But I saw her as a hardworking, positive, caring, nature-loving and generous.

She was a very independent woman. She left two husbands, one alcoholic and the other a womanizer. And she worked a lot. Maybe sometimes even too much, as her sons grew up a lot without her. But she made it up later, being there for them and helping them out with everything she could. Nature was the love of her life. Her garden was her sanctuary, church and shala. Her plants and bees were like her children.

She stood by my uncle, like a mother lion, when he was going to a tough time in his life.
She helped my father build his house, and start with bee-keeping. Believe me, it is an experience on it’s own, to see your grandmother climbing around on the roof like a squirrel!
She was taking care of my uncle’s kids tirelessly.
She was taking care of a friend, who had no-one else to help her. Who was growing old and senile without anybody else standing next to her but by grandma, who voluntarily started to visit her a few times a week, helping with shopping, cooking and other everyday chores.

To honour my grandmothers heritage, I want to take all the good, that she carried, and hold that torch high. I’m happy and grateful, that I had this inspiring woman in my life and I know that she will continue to look after us, where ever she is now.

Gratitude list

I have a feeling of déjà vu… This moment – the last day of the year. The house is quiet, like waiting for something. I am sitting here, staring at the screen, looking back at the last year and wondering, what’s in store for next. For the fourth consecutive year I am doing this in a new place. This time I am staying as a guest with a Greek family in Chalkida. As much in the centre as you can live in this city, with a view to the sea and so much life around me.

My life is constantly changing and I have no idea what to expect from the coming year. Where I will be and what will I do? Time will tell.

Of course I sometimes doubt myself. The voice of reason whispers in my ear that it is time to grow up and start acting like a responsible adult. Comply and conform. Be like everybody else. Go back home, settle down, put the girls to regular school like everybody else does. Get a full-time job.

But I don’t really see a way back. The way only goes forward. I can look back and think about it but I cannot go there anymore. There is a saying from Soren Kirkegaar “Life can only be understood backwards, but it must be lived forwards”. I try to remember it every time I catch myself thinking “What the f… am I doing here?” I will understand it one day, looking back, why I needed to come here. For now I have to keep on going forward while practising to be mindful and present every moment. Maybe the road forward will one day bring me back to my roots. And maybe not.

I used to think that new year’s resolutions were nonsense. Nobody really keeps them anyway and why should setting goals happen on these specific days? I can do that whenever – I don’t have to wait until the calendar says so.
But I must admit there is some symbolic magic in those calendar numbers. The magic that we have given them. We decide which time is right for looking back and which is for looking forward. I used to ask, “why the end of December?”. Now I reply to myself – why not?

The first days of January 2013 I set a few wishes. Not resolutions, more like things that I would like to happen in my life. And two of four came true. I did not know how they will happen, when I put them on paper. But life found a way.

This year I want to start with a gratitude list before I think about what I would like to happen on 2014. There is so much to be grateful for! I am happy in a way that I have not been for a very long time, maybe not ever in my life. Being happy is a learning process. It’s not that I have so much more things or success. It’s more about the fact that I have gradually step-by-step learned to notice all the good. Being happy is an inside job!

I will not write everything down here – some of the things in my gratitude list are private. But there are other things that I want to be very open and public about.

The most difficult thing in 2013 was my divorce. And here’s where I have to say that I am eternally grateful that my now ex-husband has been such a good partner in this difficult time. We’ve both had moments of rage, anger, grief and everything in between. But he has also been patient, forgiving, kind, thoughtful and found a way to go on with his life in the best possible way while setting his boundaries and being a friend. Today I am happy that it was him and nobody else. I am grateful for the time spent with him, the lessons he taught me and that he was able to let me go, when I needed to leave. I am grateful that he continues to support the girls and me, that he is no more than a phone call away, should we need him. And I am grateful that he has found his own rhythm and content in his life.

That brings me to that man that is in my life now. I can’t even begin to describe how grateful I am to know him. The gentle caring, the inspiration, the support. Through his eyes I have learned to see myself in a whole new way. I grow, learn and mature while turning into a teenager and at times as playful as my daughters. It is a blessing to get to know him and everything and everyone else that he has introduced me to.
Sometimes I feel that not only we speak completely different languages and have a different background, he is probably from another constellation and another species. And other times I feel that we are two parts of the same being. Sometimes he makes me furious and other times ecstatic. And I am alive!

I am grateful for my mother who has endless patience to accept my crazy ways and who keeps sending us packages with winter clothes, books in Estonian, liquorice candy and other little surprises. I admire her enthusiasm, when it comes to helping and supporting other people. I am grateful that she is my mother and I hope she knows that.

I am grateful for my father, for supporting me financially with my move to Greece. Although he did not like me leaving, he did find a way to help me. And I am grateful to know, that although he is not a man of many words, he will be there for me, should I need him. He has his own ways and I am happy, that he is just the way he is.

I am grateful to be back here in Greece. The pull towards this place has always been a little stronger that my rational mind. I have no idea why I love it so much. But love does not have to make sense. It just is. And I am a very lucky girl to be able to follow my heart.
That also brings me to my job – I am so grateful to have this rare privilege that I can work from where ever I am. I’m free to find my way while contributing in my own way to society and having somewhat financial independence. It doesn’t really get much better. Or can it?

There are so many more people in my life that are a huge source of gratitude and love. I will send all of you warm love from my heart and wish you all a wonderful year and many more after that.

What and who is on your gratitude list?

A trip to another star

Some time ago I came across this wonderful page: http://www.aegeanpan.com/
The introduction to this page writes:

Living on an island somewhere in the Aegean Sea, is like living on a star; it’s the strange feeling of being part of a constellation, yet disconnected at the same time.
It’s this Sea that sets us free, and it’s this Sea that draws our limits. Our islands swim through a golden light.
I think that’s the reason why people here are so warm, gentle and creative. Their creativity and love for life is shown through the colours of their boats, their flowers in their yards, their amazing cooking and their storytelling.

I find this description paints a wonderful picture about life on an island in the Aegean Sea. In one of the posts the author describes, what island life has meant for her through different stages of life. And although I have not experienced them – through her vivid words I can almost feel and touch, what it may have meant to grow up like that.

And I especially love this piece:

This is my new defining thing: to be an insider of a romantic minority that chooses winter island life over city rhythms and urban philosophy.

The truth is that you are never an insider in a closed Greek island society and that if most locals had to choose a word that underlines their concept of life, it wouldn’t be the word romantic. As Harrison Ford said to Anne Heche in one of his witty quotes about island magic and romance: “It’s an island, babe. If you didn’t bring it here, you won’t find it here.”

I do not know which island the author is writing about. And it doesn’t really matter. Maybe it is part of the charm, that I don’t know. That way it will alway stay a little mysterious and magic.

Last week I took a spaceship (a ferry) from my star to another star in our constellation. Paros.
I had developed an interest to visit Paros and especially Naoussa because I feel that homeschooling – as it is now – is not a long-term solution. I am too alone and too isolated for that.

It takes a village to raise a child and I am still looking for my village. My people who share some of the values and mindset. People who can support me and whom I can support.
I had this back in Estonia – I had the most wonderful little community of close friends that mean the world to me. We grew up together as mothers and women and although most of us are not friends from childhood, it feels like we have known each other forever. And I do miss them. But my calling was here. I needed to spread my wings and come to Greece. So here I am again – starting from zero to find my village, my people.

But back to homeschooling. I have been looking around for a good school for my girls and honestly – seeing the Greek school system, I was not very optimistic. Last year I was about to enroll the girls to  a Montessori school in Warsaw. But our plans took another turn.
So when I found out, that there is actually a Montessori kindergarten and after-school club for primary school kids in Paros – LinguActive/LinguaKids – I was astonished. I did not expect that I can get everything, that I want – the wonderful life on a Greek island, a good school for my girls and good friends for all of us. But I seem to underestimate the magic that happens to me in Greece.

Whenever I came to Greece through the years, it seems like some Genie was at my disposal. Your wish is my command. You want to learn yoga – go ahead, one of the best teachers in Greece is basically at your doorstep. Want to learn more about meditation? No problem. We’ll make it happen – a Buddhist monk will come to your location and teach. Want to hear and see inspiration? Here you are – for two weeks you will meet one inspiring person after another until you are so filled with gratitude, that it makes you cry. Want to experience again, what it feels to be a teenager in love? That wish will also be granted.

Greece is spoiling me in the best possible way and this trend seems to continue. I just have to know, what I am looking for and sooner or later it will happen. So finding a Montessori school on the neighbour island was another miracle in a row of mysterious events that seem to guide my life.

We spent three days in Paros. Three intense days filled with so much laughter, passion, discussions and some more laughter. I had forgot how much I miss that. My life here in Santorini is nice and beautiful but I do not really have a lot of friends here yet. I am sure that there are so many inspiring people on this island too, but maybe coming here was not about making new friends but about taking a break from social interaction. 

The beginning of the trip was not promising. The ferry had to leave earlier because of a bad forecast for weather. So boarding the ferry I was smiling through my teeth, thinking, what if the storm will come earlier. The storm waited, but the rain did not. Just as it was time to get off the ferry, it started pouring cats, dogs, pocket knives and little boys. And rain too…
I did not have time to think much. Our wonderful host was there, waiting for us with an umbrella. And from that point things started to get very much better. Although the weather stayed bad.

The short experience in Paros was all about social interaction. I loved every minute of it. Yes, it was sometimes a little tiresome. Social contact almost 24/7 is always that. But at the same time I felt like I had found a well in the desert. I just kept on drinking and drinking those moments of joy and love for other human beings. 

The girls also found friends and had a chance to visit the school and art-class. Most of the time I didn’t really see them, because the lovely daughter of or host basically adopted them from first sight.

I think there is a good chance that in spring, when I will have to give this house up, we might continue our life on Paros. We have time to weigh our options and read the signs that life gives us. But I promised that we will visit again and maybe next time it will be so, that I can start looking for a home there.

I am painting this image in my mind already… I am thinking about a simple but comfortable, light and airy space with a good fireplace. I think about space for the girls to play and me to have my own peace. And a space in between to meet and enjoy life. Cook meals from the local food, play, have guests and spend warm summer evenings as well as cozy winter nights. I trust in the magic that has carried me here – if Paros is the place, where I am supposed to go, that home will also appear.