This whole winter has been about travelling. Travelling in time, space and in the depths of my head and my heart. And continuing that trend, I write again from a new location. This time I am back in Warsaw. The 2 million city with skyscrapers, soviet blocks and big parks.
We came here for a short visit, so that the girls could spend some time with their father. I decided, that I have earned a vacation from my dear kids and I am spending my days in blissful solitude at a friends place.
I can’t remember many times during the last 8 years, when I have had the privilege to be completely alone. Just me, my thoughts, my needs. From morning until evening. It is simply fantastic!
I wake up quite early, when my friend leaves for work. But I don’t really get out of bed before 10-11. I read, watch a movie, sleep a little more, do some crochet.. what ever I feel like. I only drag myself out of the bed, to get a cup of warm water with lemon and honey. No need for breakfast – not hungry yet.. When I am ready to get up, I take a hot shower, get dressed, eat something light and get writing. There is no-one talking to me! Just silence. I have never heard anything more beautiful! Nobody wants, asks, begs or demands anything from me. I can concentrate on writing and reading until my own needs make me get up and take care of myself.
Usually I would wake up because I hear the kids arguing over something. Or worse – I hear ominous silence, which means that they are up to something! So I get up, start cleaning the kitchen AGAIN, the rest of the house AGAIN, then try to quickly get breakfast ready because hungry kids are bickering and eating my braincells. And by noon I remember that I was planning to take a shower and I really have not eaten yet and there was something else, but…. I can’t really remember, because the constant stream of talking, asking and sharing, that the kids do, just takes my focus off anything else. Being a mother is a 24/7 attempt to multitask and by now the neuroscientists have proven, that human brain is not meant to multitask. So you operate very near the limit of your capabilities. The only reason, most mothers do not end up in a mental institution, is that as much as the kids take from you – they give more back, if you open your eyes and your heart to receive it.
But if you want to create something, you have to have the privilege of your own time and space where you can relax and concentrate.
Being back in Warsaw feel surreal in so many ways. This city used to be my home for two years. But I was never completely home here. Something was missing – a certain combination of freedom and being grounded that I have found in Greece. Warsaw does not really talk my language. And I do not mean the crazy sczcyprzc that is the Polish language. Because I still speak better Polish than Greek. I mean the vibe and the feeling of this city – it just does not talk to me.
Warsaw is a very goal and career oriented city. People come here from all over Poland to work, achieve success, earn good money and climb on the career and social ladder. They are hard-working, fast-talking and tough. They work hard and party hard. They live their lives in big anonymous blocks of flats – some grey, some colourful, but all of them have very little personality and a lot of sharp corners. I don’t mean that Warsaw is just concrete and greyness, it has a softer side too. It has so many parks and a lot of dogs walking their owners there. It has a lively cultural scene, many child friendly cafeterias and wonderful playgrounds. A lot of people really love and enjoy living here. But all of it just does not resonate – me and Warsaw, we have a different frequency.
I guess a big part of that is the fact that in the widely known norms of the Western society, I am pretty much the picture of a loser!
At 31 years I am a divorced mother of two without any career, full time “real” job and without a serious intention of getting a career any time soon. Even my university degree was short of a final thesis that I never managed to submit. I am still financially struggling and I depend solely on my ex-husbands support. I have no stable home, not a lot of belongings and no sturdy plan for the future. Sounds pretty pathetic, if you put it that way, right?
I have met a few girls here in Warsaw, who are quite the opposite. Good education is followed by a successful career and a good salary. They travel to exotic corners of the world, sip coctails at fancy lounges, shop for designer clothes and pamper themselves in spas and beauty salons. They are beautiful, confident and smart women who have a plan and the means to execute it.
But for some reason I have not yet seen them happy. They are always longing for something. A good relationship, settling down and having a family. Often they are on anti-anxiety pills, and almost suffocated by their own perfectionism.
We all have been raised up in a certain social and moral fabric. Study, get a job, have a career, have a family – do all this and you will be happy. But what if that does not work for everyone? I am sure that there are many, who are content with this life. But how about those girls (or boys) who do all that and are deeply unhappy? They are too far from their real self – that jewel that is their core being. And they are afraid to take a leap of faith and take some time off to find their real calling. Because time keeps on ticking ruthlessly and the family’s and society’s expectations hold them in handcuffs. They care too much what others think or say, even if that “other” is their own ego.
But getting closer to your true self must sometimes mean ripping this fabric. The force of habit does apply to our beliefs too. If you have been attached to a certain kind of belief system and a set of moral values, then it takes time before you can be completely free from those norms and get closer to real life. But if you do not try to jump and trust that life will always be there to catch you, nothing will ever change.
It is our birthright to be unconditionally happy. And we have to keep on trying to find, what helps us to achieve it. If it means flipping burgers in a fast-food restaurant but making it on time to yoga class then that’s what it has to be. It is never too late to change. And there is absolutely no point in comparing your choices in life to other people’s choices. There are no “good” and “bad”, “wrong” or “right” choices. There are moments, emotions, feelings, reactions and actions that have to serve the purpose of enhancing our human experience and just making us happy.
The cockroach effect 