About enforcing the positive

When it comes to people in our lives, we tend to take a lot for granted.
We just assume that parents and siblings will always be there. Our spouse is supposed to support and accept us. Our kids will forgive and forget when we are not fair and anything good they learn, they’ll always later point to us, saying – my parents taught me that.

Sometimes we forget that in life there are no guarantees. Everything may happen and nothing may happen. And a lot of it is up to us. We have to work every single day for the relationships we have, or we may lose them.

One thing that I am learning here is the concept of always enforcing the positive. If you make the positive bigger, the negative will seem smaller and more insignificant. If you enforce the positive, it will multiply.

I grew up in a way that I was always kind of expected to perform good. At school and home. That was the norm. If I did good, it was considered normal and thus not worth talking about much. Of course you get an “A”, why wouldn’t you? Of course you helped clean up the apartment, that’s what you are supposed to do, why give praise? On the other hand, if I did anything less than perfect, that was not acceptable. Scowling and nagging later led to fights, and I grew to be that talented lazy kid who could do so much but is secretly so afraid of performing less than perfect, that she will skip doing the task altogether.

I think the first time I fully realized, how much I am affected by this, was in the university. After scoring a fabulous “B” in one of the most difficult exams during my whole study time (pathological physiology, sounds bad right?), I called my mother. I told the great news, and guess, what the answer was? “Why not an A?” Like really!?

In a way this approach gives you certain confidence. Of course I’m good at everything if I really put my mind to it. Going to a job interview? Sure, no problem. I can be so confident because I know – I would be the most ambitious, suck-up “teachers pet” kind of employee. Always overachieving and probably seriously annoying to my colleagues. But what if I fail?

The downside of this approach is that the mere shadow of a failure will paralyse me. Anything less than perfect, is not good enough. I am not good enough. I will rather do nothing than risk the slightest failure. Even today writing this blog, I find myself in the same place. If I get good feedback then I will be afraid to write the next piece. What if it is not that good as the previous?

So it is like a SPA treatment for my overachieving self, when my dear friend is here and teaches me, that I am good enough in everything. Better than good enough. I am great just the way I am. At first it felt like just flattering. Then it felt uncomfortable – what’s with the compliments, you have me here, why keep on trying? And then slowly I started to see how it is not about flattering or trying to please my ego. It is about multiplying the positive. The more I hear that I am beautiful, the prettier I get. It is as easy as that. And actually I do not need anybody else to say that.

Go to the mirror. Look at yourself and start listing all the things that you like. And do that often. Soon you’ll realize that there is so much good that the less good does not matter. Look at your kids, your spouse – what do you like about them? Let them know that. Tell them about the seemingly most insignificant things that you appreciate about them. And really mean it. It does not work if you say empty words.

You’ll always find, what you are looking for, so look for the good.

I started to see how I act the same way as my mother once did. When my girls do something good, I may smile and nod approvingly. Or sometimes just take it for granted. But if they forget something or if they are impatient, whiny or just silly when it’s time to be serious (in my opinion), I will let them know for sure in a strict and demanding manner.

So I decided to give it a try and start paying more attention to the positive. No matter how small or big. Whether it’s academic achievement, being considerate to others’ needs or helping me. I try to remember to always notice, be grateful and most important – to let them know about it! It seems so logical and natural when I write about it, but in real life it really needs focus and perseverance to do that. Because we are all slaves of our habits and giving praise is not one of mine.

One night I was doing my usual gratefulness meditation before falling asleep by being generally thankful about the good in my life. And then I had this idea – what about being more specific? What do I like about my family and friends. I even listed all the good things I liked about my ex-husband which made me wonder why did I decide to leave him at all?

I think I am slowly learning to let the people around me know, why exactly I love them. I try to multiply the positive, to make the negative less important.

Experiencing life without a car

I just realized a day ago that, in almost a month it will be Christmas. It sounds so utterly absurd. It’s not dark, cold, rainy and muddy so how can it even be close to winter? Yet it is. And the Christmas madness does stretch even as far as Santorini. Although obviously on smaller scale.

The souvlaki place in the village centre had decorated the trees with colourful lights. How would you feel if your neighbour decided to put Christmas lights out in spring? Confused? Exactly.
It is the time of year when the rains finally start and nature wakes up. Spring has always been my favourite season. Even if it starts in October. The smells of the island have changed. Instead of heavy sweet and warm smell of summer, you can smell fresh soil after rain and wet asphalt. Everything green comes to life. The most incredible corners that had some last wisps of brownish-yellow organic matter that seemed dead years ago, have come back to life. Everything is turning greener by the day and the more rain we get, the faster it happens.

And the birds! There are so many little birds flying around and for some reason they sound familiar. But of course they do! These are the ones that flew south when the weather got cold. Just like me.

I must say that one reason, why I have so much time to observe nature waking up, is the fact that after more than 10 years, I have to live without a car. And though long walks in nature sound very romantic, in reality they may become a pain in the backside, when the only way to get food, is to take the girls and hike 20 minutes up the donkey path and then next to a road without any space for even a bicycle not to mention pedestrians. It’s quite terrifying actually. I always lose another 20 minutes from my lifespan, when I have to walk next to the road with the girls.

Fortunately the hike is very well worth it. Twice a week we have a shop here that looks more like an open market just without the option that some wise old Greek lady will sell you things that you absolutely do not need and charge twice the price with an adorable toothless smile, just because you don’t speak Greek. The fruits and vegetables come from Crete and this place has absolutely everything! The mountains of oranges and lemons, deep green leafy vegetables that are mostly a total mystery to me – how do you eat them? Every possible fruit, fresh or dried, vegetables, mushrooms, herbs, spices… I mean really!

The first time I introduced this place to my friend, he got a little nervous. As a typical man, shopping makes him edgy. And that place was ominous. “We’re going to stay here forever”, he said with a look that was something between despair and panic. But I was determined that he will not ruin my fun of shopping so I just jumped in head first and let him deal with his misery. About 30 minutes later I had got everything on my list and some more of what I wasn’t even planning to buy. And he was still happily stuck between health foods, spices and herbs, eyes glowing excitedly. Asking me about more exotic health foods and explaining about the traditional Greek products that were all Greek to me… Honestly I was struggling to get him out of there.

The only bad thing about this shop is that all that treasure has to be carried back. 5 minutes next to the roadside (another minus 20 minutes from my lifespan), and then 10-15 minutes down the donkey path (careful, donkeysh… yep, stepped into donkeyshit!). Recent weeks we have been on our own with the girls and they are quite brave little hikers. They always take their backpacks and proudly carry as much as they can. And after a month I have finally learned that I do not have to buy everything at once and in huge amounts. Life without a car will quickly teach, where is your limit in carrying fruits.

Life without a car will also teach you bitter resentment against Santorini public bus system! They change the timetable every other day and most of the time I think they forget to mention it to the drivers. So I doubt that the drivers themselves really know when should the leave or arrive. Or if they do – they just don’t give a f..k. “Soooo, lunch done, cigarette done, should I go and drive around a little? What do you think Nikos? Maybe. Slowly-slowly. Don’t forget to finish your raki first (the alcoholic homemade lighter fluid drink).

Getting to Fira for something so trivial as an ATM has to be carefully planned.
Get to bus station on time.
Wait.
Wait some more.
Discover that wind is actually damn cold. Freeze.
Wait.
Give up.
Grow some gray hair.
And unbelievably, just as you swear NEVER to try to take a bus ever again and start going home – it appears.
Getting back is usually a little easier. I guess they have somebody in the main bus station to poke their ass, when it is time to leave.

A few days ago I decided to go look for my missing package, that according to tracking info was in Fira a week ago. So I did the whole bus-waiting routine. The post office was marked on the map on postal services home page. Unfortunately the person who marked it, thought that it was cool just to put the marker randomly somewhere in the middle of the map. You know.. it’s here, in Fira. You’ll find it. Some day. Maybe..

Fortunately the weather was good for a walk and people were happy to direct me all the way back to the bus station, because post office happened to be right around the corner from there. My package was not in the office but the guy helping me, made a phone call and I heard, that I have two(!) packages waiting for me in the courier service office. So where is it? Not so far. Maybe a kilometre down the road.
Ok, we’ll walk.
And walk.
Enjoy the view and keep on walking.
After about 2,5km we finally reached the courier office where a girl was already waiting for us. And then I take my packages and with an innocent smile ask about the next bus station. The girl drops her jaw on the floor. What do you mean? You are not with a car?!? Nooo.. and I didn’t have any idea that I will end up here in the middle of.. somewhere.
Quickly she picks up the phone, makes a call and tells me to wait. And 10 minutes later, when she has had some time to interrogate me about my life, one of the couriers comes back, and takes me, my packages and my girls back home on his car.

That’s what I love about Greece. The people care!

November. Sunshine and inner monologues.

Santorini seems to exist out of time in another space on another planet somewhere. The summer season is over so people from Earth don’t come here that much anymore. But here, summer continues. The only clue about time is located at the right upper corner of my computer display and that can’t be right… November? Really? Where?

Some villages have completely gone into hibernation. Places that wake up mostly to host the thousands of people who come here to absorb as much sun, raki, old culture and beautiful sunsets as they possibly can during a week or two. Other places still remain alive. Perissa, Kamari and Oia are pretty much closed down. But Fira, Emporio, Pyrgos and Megalochori to some extent are still breathing and keeping their eyes open.

Some people like this time of year, others find it sad or boring and escape to Athens. My friend Maria, who has been keeping a shop in Oia for quite a few years, said that she thoroughly enjoys Oia in November. “It’s like my own kingdom now”, she declared.
A lot of people who came to Santorini for the summer to work, have left. Only the locals remain.

Life in my village feels slow, peaceful and careless. There’s not many people but it is still alive so you don’t feel like being the last inhabitant on a deserted island. The streets are empty most of the time but you hear an occasional radio playing, some kids laughing somewhere, a rooster in the morning, neighbours greeting each other. But most of the time it is quiet. Only the birds sing.

There’s been some rain and even one real storm that appeared out of nowhere when we were in Fira. We stepped out of the few drops of rain, into a farmacy and a few minutes later all hell broke loose. The rain was like a white curtain while the wind was trying to pick up and fly around everything that did not have roots or a foundation. A few big umbrellas in front of some fastfood places, that were fortified with huge stones, were pushed around like toys. A huge piece of metal from a newsstand roof flew down like a larger-than-life samurai weapon. And just as fast as it started, it ended again. Leaving behind streets filled with water up to my ankles. That’s life on an island. Unpredictable, sometimes wild, other times peaceful. Just be ready for anything!

My recent musings have been around self respect and love. And how very few people seem to love and accept themselves fully and unconditionally. Yours truly included.
This chain of thought actually started on one of the bad days. You know those days! When nothing seems to go right from the moment you open your eyes.
I had to get up around 6 o’clock to work but it wasn’t easy as last night I had procrastinated too long in front of the computer. Somehow I dragged my tired brain through the articles and the one thought that kept me alive was that as soon as I finish, I am so going back to bed. Then my two adorable daughters woke up – annoyingly fresh and happy from a long revitalizing sleep. I had to get them breakfast, so getting back to bed was prolonged for another hour. And finally, when I managed to reach my beloved pillow, it seemed like absolutely everybody tried to make as much noise as they possibly could. The kids, the neighbours outside, the damn dehumidifier inside. It was like having a bad hangover but without the chance to have fun the night before.

I tried my best to ignore the noises and sent the kids to play outside in the courtyard. But I was way too pissed off at life, to fall asleep. So I pretended to sleep and listened to the inner monologue that was making a passionate speech about how f.cked up everything is. How nobody cares whether I exist or not and I have to try so hard every day and blablablabla… And then quite suddenly another voice came from a deeper place inside me, saying “Be proud, be yourself, be happy”. It was so unexpected and so out of place that the monkey inside my head immediately shut up and listened.

It can happen just like that. Your inner light finds a way through and comes to remind you that each and every one of us is perfect and lovable just the way we are. And the only way to make others around us believe that too, is to believe it ourselves. Believe it with a passion and confidence. Only when we start respecting and loving ourselves, will the world love us back.

I have done a simple mental exercise sometimes. When I get to bed and have trouble falling asleep, then I start thinking about all the wonderful things in my life, that I feel grateful for. I send small greetings in my mind to the people I love and I thank the universe for everything and everyone, that I can remember at this moment. I call it my gratitude meditation. I repeat “thank you, thank you” in my head until I don’t need words anymore and can just dive into that feeling of gratitude. That feeling is a great basis for self acceptance and love. It will give me a chance to reconnect with my core being and build up strength to look through the ego.

All days are different and the road to self acceptance is still long. Some days I take longer steps, some days I stumble and fall back. Some days I need somebody to remind me, that I am a beautiful human being. Other days even that may not work. But the light is in there and when the road gets too dark, our inner light will shine through and help us further. We just need to have the courage and the persistence to keep on going, keep on learning and keep on believing!

Raising and respecting kids

I have recently had a lot of time to think about the way, we raise our kids in this modern society. I think back to how I was brought up, how it was for my friends. I talk to people from different countries about the ways it was and is done. There are some general things that most parents generally do (or don’t do) and then there are differences that come from the background – culture, religion, climate, history and common beliefs. Then there are other factors that influence the kid’s behaviour like the diet (how much white sugar and refined foods), the influence of TV (how much time spent and what kind of programs watched),the general microclimate at home and the behavioural habits learned from friends and/or family.

As an outside observer it is very difficult and most of the time impossible to distinguish the reason why children act one way or another. When a child on the playground acts hyperactive according to what I am used to see, is it because of a different upbringing, genetically different temperament or the emotional environment at home mingled with poor diet and a lot of TV? I can never judge. I just don’t know.  Without knowing all these background details, we shouldn’t even guess on try to label others’ kids. because it will never be fair.

It is different with my own kids although I don’t know the reasons for their behaviour all the time either. But being at home with them and homeschooling gives me so much more time to observe how different things influence them. I can change the influencing factors and see what happens. And I have all the time in the world to learn every single day about myself. How we interact and influence each other. Teaching them is teaching me so many things. It is simply incredible. I find that sending them to school means that we miss so many opportunities to learn from them and grow together.

It is obviously not easy. At times I want nothing more than some peace and quiet and nothing can irritate me more that small hands tugging on my shirt or another call “emmmeeee!” (mommy!). The only way to avoid those moments of irritation, is to pay meticulous attention to my own needs – when my “cup is full”, then I am able to be there for them. I have to sleep enough, eat healthy food on time and find quiet moments to rest my mind and listen to my own thoughts.

And the same goes for them. When they are well rested, eat on time clean healthy food and have enough space to play together but also sometimes play apart – they are simply delightful children. Leave one of those needs unattended, either not enough rest or if the lunch will be a little late, and they can turn into little monsters – poking at each other, bickering, constantly trying to find something sweet or begging for TV.

But mostly they are little angels! Happy playful creative kids who enjoy playing as much as studying.  Recently we have put more focus on mathematics again. There’s this brilliant site: http://eu.ixl.com/  that has math from kindergarten to highschool. It’s very well structured to keep the kids motivated and the topics are just long enough that they have to learn to focus and concentrate, otherwise they won’t be able to finish the topic and reveal the “prize”.  At first only my older daughter did the work, but then her younger sister started to ask that she wants to do too. And how could I refuse? So now they are both asking me many times a day “can we do the math exercises?”, sometimes even arguing who gets to do that first.
I’m so happy to hear it every time that I must shine and sparkle like a Christmas tree!

All days are not brothers and sometimes there are days when I propose study time and I get the answer “mmmmmm, not now…”
It would be all to easy to become parental authority and say “Yes. Now!” That was the way I was raised – although whenever my mum made request, it was always very polite and calm, still – the answer “no” was never an option. It was said as a request but really, it was always an order or a demand. There was no space to have my own opinion about it. It was “NOW, the way I want it and no other way”. And I can’t really blame her. She came a long way from the ways she was raised. On her case it was 100 times more authoritarian and even less space for her to be someone or have an opinion. So I guess there’s a constant evolution in the way the kids are brought up. Yes, we do repeat the same mistakes our parents did, but we also correct a lot of those mistakes. And we move on. We forgive, forget, learn and keep on going.

I think a big issue that we, as parents, have to learn, is respect. Respect for ourselves, but mostly respect for our kids.
Respect, once applied in a proper manner, can work almost miracles. Let them have the space and right to say “NO” every now and then. Respect their feelings, emotions and timing. Give them reasons, if you need some things to be done your way and on your schedule. If you do it right and they feel you respect their integrity, they will meet you halfway and follow your request on your own terms. But only if they feel, it is an option, a choice that they can make.

Kids have the natural instincts to follow their parents and meet their expectations. Once you learn how to tap into that instinct, parenting can be simple and joyous. I recommend to absolutely every parent the book by a Canadian child psychologist Gordon Neufeld and Gabor Mate “Hold on to your kids”

I had a wonderful opportunity to attend a few lectures from Neufeld and he is a man who has dedicated his life to making life easier for all the parents in the world.

Respect starts with little things. Don’t grab her hand when crossing the road – ask, “could you give me your hand, we are about to cross the road”. Of course at a situation like that, you can’t present this as an option to say “no”. But you can make an effort to explain, why it is important to hold your hand in a situation like that. They’ll understand fast.

Give them little tasks – show them that you believe they can do things and how happy it makes you, when they help. Let them set the table and clean it. But accept, if they do not feel like doing it every single time. If you give them the choice, most of the time they will choose to help. And if not – there’s probably a good reason… like a game that is very interesting and will finish in a few minutes, so they can help you, not instantly but a little later.
I often ask my older daughter to walk the dog. And most of the times she does. But sometimes she really does not feel like it and then I have to do it. And it is OK. She is a child. She is also a human being and not my slave. She is entitled to have better and worse days and her own opinion.

I have tried to follow this approach on a daily basis and it seems to work. The girls sometimes argue, who gets to set the table but they have worked out a way to compromise and do it together, sharing the tasks. Sometimes I have to invent a few tasks just because they are so eager to do something. And when I see my older daughter rush to help her little sister who struggling to take the laundry out of the washing machine, I feel like crying. It is the most beautiful satisfying thing in the world to see my girls helping each other  and me. All the arguing, whining and fighting is instantly forgotten when I see those little moments of happiness and cooperation.

Learning to juggle

People keep telling me that Santorini is boring in winter. Everybody leaves and there will be nothing to do. I’m thinking to myself, that boredom would be a very much appreciated for a change.

If you asked me what am I doing all day long, I would probably answer something like “Oh, you know.. this and that..”. But what does it really mean? In reality it is like juggling a lot of different balls and trying to prevent them from falling.

Some of them just make a mess, when they  fall. An overflowing laundry basket is not life threatening. A pile of dirty dishes is ugly but can be ignored for a certain amount of time. A messy house is sometimes OK. Life is messy. Just deal with it, give yourself a break and forgive yourself for not being perfect.

Others are more important to keep in the air and dropping them too often will have long-time consequences. Like my job. I have to find minimum 4hrs of quiet child free time, which does present a serious challenge, when you are a single mother in a new environment with no connections yet. Usually it is possible during their sleep time, but then there’s a serious chance of dropping another ball, that has long-term consequences – my own sleep time! I do need to sleep every now and then…

Right now I’m trying to get into a habit of biphasic sleep, which means I’ll work a little in the evening and then get up at 5AM to continue. The first week has been interesting… It’s wonderful to get up early in the morning but if I do not get my daytime nap, I can turn into a green monster that growls through teeth and stares at people with an icy glare, thinking about biting their head off.

Then there’s the ball of homeschooling my older daughter. There’s still work to do, to keep that one up in the air at all times. She does not mind at all, if we skip a day or two studying. But in the long run we have to work out a regular habit of studying every day a few periods that are just enough, so that she wouldn’t get tired and fed up. Fortunately she is a smart girl, easy to teach and most of the time easy to motivate. It’s just me and my poor juggling skills that hold the process back.

Then there are those balls that are like glass – once you drop them, there’s a lot of glass shards everywhere and you have to clean it up at once before somebody else gets hurt. Human relationships are like that. You have to be really careful not to drop them, because you cannot mend them. I haven’t dropped any of them during the last few months but the one that I dropped almost 5 months ago was a big one and there are probably still some glass shards hidden somewhere. I put a lot of effort into keeping the remaining ones in the air. I can’t afford to drop any more. That means that I may sometimes let the other balls fall but the glass ones have to stay in the air.

And then there are those blissful moments when I can forget all about juggling, even if just for a while. 

A moment on the beach. Staring at the small black stones that make up the Santorini sand and listening to the waves crash on the shore. And not thinking absolutely anything.

A late-night stroll through the village, walking the dog. White walls surround me protectivly, like saying, it is OK to be imperfect. The world loves you even if there are no more clean plates in the kitchen and the the job has taken all the sleep (or sleep has taken all the job).
I walk through the centre of the village, greeting taverna-keepers on my way. That’s what I love about Greece. The casual “Γεια σας, τι κάνεις” (Hello, how are you) with a smile. I breathe in the warm damp evening air and breathe out all my worries about juggling and responsibility and future and who knows what else. I am here now. I am inside a dream and not leaving anytime soon. Life is wonderful!

 

The first week

So it has been a week in our new home.

The suitcases are unpacked and put away. I can almost find everything and the things that I can’t find are probably not essential anyway.

Moving in here happened very fast. I had seen a few houses before but none of them was exactly what I was looking for. This one was adorable at first sight. From the gate we enter to a courtyard with a lot of plants and our breakfast/lunch/dinner table. It’s hidden from the very strong winds that come in winter and strangers eyes. In the main house we have the kitchen and our large and airy living-room with the curved ceiling that is so typical for Santorini houses and makes you feel like in a cave. A light airy cave.

The girls immediately moved in the main bedroom so I have two options – either to stay in the main house on a fairly comfortable pull-out bed or sleep in the guestroom, which we immediately started calling “The Cave”. It is a separate small den on the courtyard. Three steps take you down to a shelter that is just big enough for a big bed and a small bedside table. Tiny window gives you just enough light and in there you feel so safe and relaxed. It’s my own little heaven where I hide when I want peace, quiet and privacy. And these days I find myself needing privacy with somebody…

He came to my life unexpectedly and I still can’t quite define what we have. He’s here for me in the most wonderful way, just as I need it. But he has made it very clear that first and foremost he needs me to be able to stand on my own two feet. I can not rely on him being here always and every time I feel like it. But when he is here, he’s HERE in the moment with me. He’s gentle if I need him to be, decisive if needed. And sometimes incredibly annoying too! I have not yet met a man who talks more that me! And the extra annoying part is, that mostly it makes sense and often points out the weaknesses in me that I have skillfully ignored. I honestly sometimes hate him and love him at the same time. But when he leaves I do not feel sad because he may be physically far but mentally a part of him is always here. I do not need his presence at all times to be fulfilled. The moments that we have here are so intense, so refreshing for mind, spirit and body – it is exactly what we need. To maintain our own space and then meet in between.

Thinking back to the last week I think of the first night in the new house. We had finally reached our spot. I was expecting relief and relaxation. Instead I was feeling sad… Unpacking, finding my way in the house. Everything should be finally perfect. But the sadness creeps on and takes me over like a dark grey shadow. It makes my legs slow, my hands heavy and I want to curl under a blanket just to cry. WHY? Where does it come from? What is wrong with me. Diligently I smile and look happy. But the inner me is crumbling down. The stress and adrenaline that kept me going has subsided but there’s no relief.
In the evening after the kids have gone to sleep I curl on the sofa and let the sadness wash over me. I have to experience it in order to see where it originates. I want to go deep into it, to find the roots of that emotion.
He comes, sits next to me, caresses softly my hair and asks, “Do you want to talk about it?”. I shake my head. I’m not ready, the words have not yet formed in my head.  It takes time to see and hear the sadness talking to me – it’s just another temporary solution. Another house where I can only stay until spring, somebody else’s place filled with somebody else’s things and memories. It’s not the home that I have recently started longing for. After years and years of gypsy life and temporary homes I recognize the longing for something stable. I am looking for stability in a world, where the only stable thing is change.

And there has been so much change in the mere last 4 months of my life. My identity has gone through a full makeover. I was a expatriate housewife in the city of 3-4 million people, in the capital of the biggest country in Eastern Europe. Now I am divorced single mother on a Greek island in a village that will have maybe 100 inhabitants in winter. I left the only place that felt like home to go back to my mother, only to leave again the place where I grew up and to come here. To the island of black sand and donkeys. I am still trying to figure out who I am and what am I supposed to do with my life. Thankfully I have a job that I like – writing, translating and editing news for an Estonian newsportal. But is this my calling? I wish I knew…

But then the only thing I can do right now, is to be here and now. To be in the moment and take the best out of it. The only thing that creates misery, sadness and suffering is our mind. We think of the things that have been, will maybe come or not come. And we are not here in the moment. It is hard to accept. The ego clings to the identity and drinks those negative emotions. But this is not me. I am not my home (or lack of it), I am not my things (or lack of them). I am not this sadness. I am not the labels that I have carried through different stages of life. Nothing holds me back finding out my calling and being what I am supposed to be when I grow up. And just as the clouds pass, the sadness will pass too. It’s not about strength, it’s about surrender and acceptance. It’s about letting the heart talk louder that the mind. “You have a big heart, use it over your mind”, he said to me. And I will.

Why Santorini?

I’m still sometimes wondering that myself too.

It seems to be a chain of random events that brought me to this island. Greece has always held a very special place in my heart. Somehow it feels more like home than any other place in the world. The cold and beautiful Estonia, where I come from, will always be a part of me. But I’ve never really been a normal Estonian. My voice is too loud and my personality too outgoing. Here among the crazy but lovable Greeks I feel, I can be more myself.  Maybe that’ll change. But for now – I’m home!

This summer I visited Santorini for the first time. Honestly, it may not be a place that steals your heart at first glance. It’s raw and powerful presence is somehow even frightening. The black stone wall – the caldera – hangs above your head like a threat.  Once you drive up the narrow serpentine, there are just fields and fields of grapes and one hotel on top of another. Literally! The buildings on the side of the caldera are like a huge staircase.

After a while this place grows on you. You start to discover the traditional villages that are like out of a weird fantastic fairy tale. The labyrinth of narrow streets that snake in unexpected directions. The white, the blue and some more white and blue. Just as you think there are no other colors in the world, after the next corner you’ll find a bold house in pink and yellow! If the road does not go up, it goes down – never peacefully flat. There is something symbolic in those never ending stairs. The same steps that take you up, can take you down. It is up to you how you see them going.

After returning to Estonia it seemed that every decision I take, leads me one way. Back to Santorini. Why? I don’t know but I’m exited to find out. There must be a lesson for me to learn here. And something I can give. When you find your way, it can seem almost magic how everything supports you. And when you try to take a turn that’s not meant for you, the road is covered with barbed wire, knives, teeth and claws.

And now I am living in one of those magic villages where every turn will bring you to a new corner, where you have not been yet. You never get lost, but probably never be on time either. Because every walk will have at least a few detours into new little alleys and exploring the abandoned houses, geckos, dogs, cats, blue doors and ridiculous amount of stairs will take time.

I have with me two wonderful girls who will be my companions and teachers.
The younger is at this magical age of 4 yrs when the line between reality and fairytale is almost nonexistent. Everything is an adventure and every little detail has a whole story behind it and holds huge significance.
Yesterday, she was looking out to sea in Oia and told me that there’s a hidden city under the water. Can it be that she can see something that we, adults, can not?

The older one is already 7. Her big blue eyes hold the world’s compassion. She tries to feed and pat every single stray animal on the street. She is slowly growing up but still remains a playful child. Her creativity at arts and crafts is a constant source of wonder to me.

And we have a dog. A hyperactive maniac who is willing to obey any silly command as long as you play with her.

What’s next? I have absolutely no idea. But I’m happy to find out!

Why the cockroach effect?

 

We all know about the butterfly effect but why the cockroach? This seemingly nonsensical frase has so much meaning for me. Let me explain!

It starts with an evening in Athens. It’s a warm evening in May, the last day of my trip. We come back with a few friends from a delightful dinner when I see a cockroach on the wall. I’m fascinated by this enormous creature who is four times the size that cockroaches were in my home country. I place my hand next to it and take a picture. Later I hear from a very special friend of mine, that I must be the only woman he has ever met in his life, who is not terrified of cockroaches.
Why be afraid of cockroaches, I ask? Well you see, in Greece, a woman can handle pretty much anything. But they need a man for killing cockroaches, because a Greek woman is typically absoulutely terrified of this insect.

I find this very amusing. But this is not yet the cockroach effect.

A few weeks later I have turned my life upside down. Everything that I thought mattered to me, is slipping away. My family is falling apart and this is happening, because I decided so. I am terrified of the consequences of this decision. I’m mad, sad, angry, happy – everything all at once. There is a moment, when we are driving somewhere and my soon to be ex-husband is talking to me. He is hurt and angry. I feel my pulse racing – I am just about to make matters worse by snapping something really mean. And then, for some weird reason I remeber – I am probably one of the few women in the world who is not afraid of cockroaches… At this point it seems so absurd that suddenly I smile. And just like that – nothing can touch me anymore. A simple thing like that completely transforms the way I feel and think. Suddenly I have no need to snap at him or be hurt by what he is saying.

We can act in all moments in life through love or fear. For me the cockroach effect reminds that it only takes a second to turn from fear and anger to love and acceptance.
And if I’m not afraid of cockroaches, why in the world should I be afraid of anything at all?

I want to explore this deeper. What makes us tick and how can we use little moments to change big things.
I want to explore fear. I want to look deep into it’s eyes and find a way to not be afraid.
I want to explore love. Is there a way to make a fleeting moment last or is that the way life should be – from a short and sweet moment in time into either lifelong commitment of mediocrity or into another valley between this mountaintop and the next one.
I want to see life through fresh eyes every morning, to observe my every emotion and watch them come and go like waves on the shore.
First and foremost – I want to be happy! Unconditionally. Always. And I want to share that happiness, to inspire people around me to strive to do what makes them happy. If that’s all I ever do with my life, then I have served my purpose here on this Earth.